SPIRITUAL COMEDIANS – Joking on Radio

I must confess afore-hand that I have not conducted any scientific study on this subject I am about to share my thoughts on. Why? Well, the reasons are obvious. First of all, I do not have a donor who doesn’t know what to do with his cash and so is wiling to fund such a useless study. Secondly, I know every single conclusion I will get from the study before I even undertake it so why bother my head.

Anyway, to make better sense, let me ask; what is your view of pastors, prophets and other men/women of God who usually preach on radio at night; almost always in twi: shout on top of their voices: solve all problems by selling holy oil and water and only get phone-ins with gargantuan testimonies and strange dreams. Oh!! and they never forget to give you the ‘dalections’ to their sanctuaries every five minutes too.

I know you have certainly encountered them on your radio either deliberately or mistakenly, but bottom line is you know whom I am talking about. They come with the strangest of names too, ranging from ‘Naakoa,’ ‘Mallam,’ Seer, Prophetess etc.

I bet it doesn’t take a rocket scientist or the Pope to tell that most of these self-styled pastors are charlatans. The Bible says that ‘by their deeds fruits, ye shall know them’ but for some, their names alone give them away. Why then are they allowed on our radios to relentlessly deceive people and profess spiritual solutions to all problems whether political, religious or marital?

I once heard a prophet whose specialization was giving out lotto numbers on radio. The entire session on air was dedicated to phone-ins and guess what, every single person who called had a testimony of winning astronomical amounts from lotto numbers he had earlier given them. All this pastor kept demanding from each caller was his ‘thanksgiving offering.’

Really? For someone who generates winning lotto numbers for people, ‘Why is the lotto Dr. not rich’ then? What will the ‘fianga’ thanksgiving offerings do? Hmmm, maybe ‘he’s just a good Samaritan, that’s all.’

There are several verifiable reports of some pastors who go into radio broadcasts with pre-recorded call-in sessions to be slotted and played once the phone lines are supposedly activated. A cohort of praise singers, who have the stations’ numbers already and are usually more eager than political serial callers, follows them; they call in and seek ‘akwankyer3’ for very unrealistic dark dreams or mind-boggling testimonies.

The question really then is, where has this phenomenon come from and why this notoriety and seeming public acceptance or should I call it, co-existence?

I know for long, they have been disturbing our lorry stations with their 2 by 4 speakers and lousy megaphones but for their presence on radio, I will put the blame squarely at the doorstep of Accra’s first all-Christian radio station: Channel R. Channel R came in with so much promise that before long, it was a major household name in many Christian homes in Accra. If you ever heard of ‘DJ Abio’ and his popular countdown show, it was on Channel R. Hard to believe right? I know.

So what could have gone wrong with such a fine promising station? Answer; they simply sacrificed their rich Christian content for these ‘men of God’ who in turn succeeded in driving away most of their listeners. But wait oo, before you get pejorative, can you really blame Channel R? Maybe not.

I hear the pastors can PAY ooo. Yes, what they pay for an hour’s broadcast will not and cannot be paid by many corporates in Ghana for a whole day’s airtime. So if you were in their shoes, which would you opt for – fine station; nice programming and many listeners but broke; or loud pastors, few listeners, yet cash in the vault?

Cash is very important in running any set-up and it is for this reason that I had to zip my lips and emotions when some few months back, right after my three-hour action-packed hiplife show on ‘Prime fm’ here in Accra, a Pharaoh- like dressed guy entered the studio with his Bible and other accoutrement to preach. ‘This hot afternoon?” I wondered – but once I checked and realised the month had curved and I badly needed the ‘bank alert’ on my phone, I just smiled and walked off like all was fine.

I have been wondering why these people often preach at night though. My educated guess is that you are prone to fear and believe what they profess at that ungodly hour than in the hot afternoon. If so, why then has Pastor Mensah Otabil started preaching in the hot afternoons on Joy FM? Well, your guess is as good as mine. He probably means to teach and not necessarily scare the living hell out of anyone.

This country is gradually entering a dangerous religious abyss if this group of self-seeking religious persons is not checked. In my view, there should be a way of screening them and not making them add up to the many failed comic attempts at entertaining the Ghanaian public. Most of them serve a good comic value though.

As for their likes on TV, whose shenanigans are even more than their radio counterparts, I may need a valid visa to seek religious asylum before I talk about them.

@Pasinoman

Blog: Pasinoman.wordpress.com

D-BLACK: a BUSINESSMAN who CAN’T RAP

I am about to spew some ‘crap’ so I need you to be a little attentive to make sense of it. Take your eyeballs off this page for a few seconds and let me engage you in a very simple non-academic exercise. Ready? Ok lets go…

Without being very critical, name your top three Ghanaian musicians of all time: your top three Ghanaian musicians of recent times: your top three Ghanaian rappers of all time and your top three Ghanaian rappers of recent times (recent times here refer to say…. the past ten years).

With no scientific basis to conjecture, I can almost certainly and without a shred of doubt opine that aside some friends and close family members; because blood is thicker than water, D-black will not feature on anyone’s list in any of the afore mentioned categories.

I first heard of D-black when he came out with a joint album with Kwaku T, after the latter returned from the Big brother Africa house as a huge fan’s favourite. Many mistook D-black for a Nigerian then, because the influx and general preference for ‘alata’ songs was at an all-time high. But before long, we realised he was one of us; brother to the then co-host of ‘rhythms’ on GTV with Chris Attoh; Pamela Blackmore.

He was a laid-back ‘dadabee’ looking guy, with mulatto looks to match; something that almost certainly made many females go gaga.

From the onset, what was clear about Mr D. was the quality or otherwise of his rap and his clear strategy in music. If you put me under duress to name my three worst Ghanaian rappers of recent times, D-black will certainly feature, though coincidentally, most of his songs will also make it to my list of best hip-life / hip pop songs in the last ten years. How ironic!

Yh, I know, but just in case you are wondering how he manages to do be such a perfect music contrast, adjust your reading glasses….

It is exactly what I call the ‘D-Black Music Strategy’. D-black, from a purely music-fan and music loving point of view, is a very very very terrible rapper. YES, I really said that, and NO, I do not and cannot rap myself. Why should it even matter whether I can or cannot rap? You do not play football, but does Asamoah Gyan ever escape your thoughts whenever he misses those glorious chances and penalties? And who said the fact that Sarkodie put out his inflation song means he could be a better president than JDM?

Anyway, leaving this diversion and continuing to justify why I think D-black is a terrible rapper, you will agree with me his timings on beats are usually off, his punch lines (or ‘tap’ lines) are always very weak and worst is when he mounts stages to perform with his usual laid back, lazy and boring sluggish performances.

I do not disagree he has one or two raps in songs that are loved, but why not? President Mahama has given brand new SUVs to some traditional leaders and Asamoah Gyan scored a penalty against Uruguay after missing the first one…. Do these negate the harm both individuals caused or are causing us?

D-black’s lines on ‘my kinda girl’ with Sarkodie and on ‘Vera’ are my personal favourites, but the whack ones are just too many to ignore.

What has kept this man afloat and still relevant in our music circles all these years though has been his ability to identify the best materials around and collaborate with them. He is about the most collaborated artiste in Ghana now and the reason must simply be, ‘if you can’t beat them, just join them.’ Name the collaborations D-black has and you will understand that he strategically rubs off the shine of the good ones and projects himself to overshadow his flaws.

Locally, he has ‘collabos’ with Sarkodie, Sherifatu Gunu, Bradez, Bisa K’dei, several with music prodigy Joey B, Castro etc. Yes …with Castro. If you still don’t get my drift with this piece, just go listen to the chart-topping ‘seihor’ collaboration and make your judgments of his contribution to that great song. The least said about his verse on ‘personal person,’ the better for the word-limit I have for this article.

As far as I can remember, D-black doesn’t have a HIT SONG that doesn’t feature another artiste. Suggest any if I am wrong.

Not to say it is bad to feature more talented colleagues, but it’s worth hinting that Ghana’s response to international Universities, studying celebrity brands like David Beckham; could be a course in one of our institutions, titled ‘Succeeding in an area you lack talent in – the case of D-black.’

@Pasinoman

After DKB what next? NOTHING…..

The genuine public appreciation of DKB’s successful outing at the last edition of the night of laughs and music was massive and resounding. The applause and standing ovation at the end of his performance was testimony of what patrons of the show thought of a man who, prior to the event, was best known for his violent adventure in the Big brother Africa house than for his comic abilities.

Social media was trending #DKB, renowned pundits and columnists were writing about DKB, Fans were in great awe of DKB and colleague Ghanaian comedians were head over heels, hailing DKB.

For the latter group, the success of DKB transcended a personal feat since the consequences of his actions were far reaching; akin to a freedom fighter leading a country to independence – he had made them proud; broken the chains and barriers; restored belief in the Ghanaian comedian and made a statement to all doubters…. Yh right.

Well, you can’t fault them if you consider the battle they have been waging against the status quo of event organizers flying in Nigerian comedians every year for the show. But really, do these comedians have a case and does DKB’s brilliant performance vindicate their position that local acts haven’t been given fair opportunities?

The success story of DKB is more pronounced than many around him probably acknowledge. This is a guy who flopped at his first opportunity on the same stage he succeeded this time, was widely vilified as not being funny; people questioned his selection into the Big Brother house as a celebrity; and worst of all, who gained huge international disapproval for assaulting a woman on live TV. How worse can a false start in one’s career be?

Continuing from where I left off, DKB came to Ghana to virtually start all over again, decades behind all his contemporaries. He lost his job at Viasat 1, though he was often relied on anytime a substitute was needed for the ‘boys boys’ show. The stubborn, unrepentant and persevering Ga blood in him must have been an asset at this stage, as he found the energy to still stay relevant and visible, though people must surely have written him off.

My question really is, when all other comedians had a clear advantage over DKB because of his misfortunes, what did they do with that advantage? They spent time engaging in verbal wars with virtually everyone who dared criticize them. Instead of making their performances speak for them; sure they must have realized the performances cannot do a good PR job, so they had to intervene themselves. This attitude from people who are not public favorites could only lead to a negative consequence.

As entertainers, the stressed public should have the peace of mind that in difficult times, there are people they can watch or listen to, and at least have a smile on their faces. But NO, not in the case of the group we have; instead of acting funny, they would rather tell you that they are funny so listen or watch them. Failure to do so and their wrath will descend heavily on you.

For anyone who believes in the ability of the Ghanaian, the success of DKB at the comedy show obviously shows that ‘y3 w) adzi papa w) fie.’ But should it be viewed by any of his contemporaries as victory in the war they have been waging? I say NO. WHY? Well, I am sure I have been around long enough to appreciate the fact that Michael Essien comes from Ghana and has played at the highest level doesn’t mean if a bus was put at the stadium to carry people who claim to be footballers, there will be many ‘Michael Essiens.’

Were we not in this country when from virtual obscurity, Funny Face burst unto the scene and became the face of Gh comedy? Why didn’t that engineer a large exodus of local comedians from hibernation? They simply weren’t good enough!

One local comedian recounted to me recently that ‘’fact that DKB was able to do it means there is a stock of talent wherever he came from so organisers should turn an eye to where DKB came from and unearth more of such talents.’’ Saaaa? Well, he believed in his comments and stood by it.

Look, the society owes local aspiring comedians NOTHING… they fail to realize that comedy is a full-time career for many. Sure DKB must have been paid one of his highest asks as a comedian to be on that stage, and surely one would have to cough out even more ‘Mahama Pounds’ in this economy to secure his services now.

How then can anyone assume that event organisers have a civic or national duty to give him or her opportunities, even when clearly they do not deserve it?

No serious businessman will tow that line! So like footballers, actors, radio presenters, and all who are in the creative arts, you only get that contract or opportunity if you prepare yourself, brand yourself, and get noticed. DKB surely did that and now he is at the table of men.

The problem with many ‘comedians’ in Ghana is that they operate as though they are doing the society a favour by opting for this career. If that is really the feeling, my little advice is STOP IT and let us miss your absence.

Instead of celebrating in the joy of DKB’s epic success and learning very useful lessons from how he moved from ‘hwee’ to ‘piii’ in such record time before an unforgiving Ghanaian public, they see this as yet another opportunity to attack supposed haters and detractors – the same path they were on before DKB ever thought of being a comedian and through when he showed Zainab in the Big Brother Africa house that a comedian’s hands can speak louder when his lips feel defeated.

Being a comedian must certainly be very difficult, but does that permit anyone any comedian to rather vent his frustration on us? We are stressed enough!

Many comedy patrons were shocked to the core when globally-adored comedian, Robbin Williams committed suicide. In August 2007, Owen Wilson of ‘Shanghai Knights‘ movie fame attempted suicide too. I can’t readily think of any such extreme misfortunes involving a Ghanaian comedian, but surely before it gets that bad, if the kitchen is too hot and you feel unappreciated (for your feeble efforts), Gen Nunoo-Mensah says, pick your passport or jokes and ‘gerroouuttt’.

@Pasinoman

Blog: Pasinoman.wordpress.com